Nothing to see here; nothing to look for or at. Nothing far or near. Coherence is overrated! If nobody can truly understand then why make anything legible at all! If there is no possible way for me to communicate the clefts of my sheared-rock of a heart, then why worry about anything that leaks out of it? I let fifteen minutes pass, fifteen years, I don’t know.
I think about a space in my mind that is the same as floating in the ocean, my ears filled with glugging water, the waves rocking my body to and fro. I let the water cradle me like a bassinet, let the most conscious parts of my brain peel away like petals blooming outward. I wonder if I will ever want to be aware or awake again. Sometimes I wish I could shake myself alive. As though I could mix up my chemicals enough to become someone with a goal, or with a drive, or with a handle on anything at all. Someone who hasn’t been stifled in the grip of her own brain, unable to punch through this thick plastic membrane.
I wonder if I’ll ever know what it was that I wanted to say.
Leave the window open.
Leave the window open.
I think about when I used to be able to write about something and wonder where that person went, or if maybe she finally died. Flies everywhere. It would serve her right.